Dear Jon
Advice Counselor

Jon holds a MS in Counseling Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy. In addition, he is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC). Committed to helping women excel, he regularly contributes articles to this magazine. He would also like to hear from you, especially if you have questions that you would like to have answered in this column.  Email him at:  DearJon@TheFabulousWoman.com.


Dear Jon: My boyfriend doesn't understand why I get upset if he goes to his friend's house after work and doesn't call. How can I explain to him that I'm not trying to control him, I just want to know what's he's doing?

Susan, New York


Any idea what the number one need of a woman is? I'll give you three free guesses, and chocolate is NOT one of the choices. (My wife says that is debatable.)  How about the number one need of a man? Sex and beer are not one of the choices here either - regardless of what you read elsewhere.

Given up yet? The Number 1 answer was hit right on the head when Aretha Franklin sang, "R-E-S-P-E-C-T!" Yes, that is the #1 need for both men and women! As soon as you stop singing the song, let me ask you a few questions. How do you keep your boyfriend from feeling controlled? Accept his need to hang out with his friends. How do you maintain his respect? Thank him for letting you know what he's is doing.

Respect does not mean you must agree, nor does it ever imply to let the other do what they want all the time. Respect ought to be mutual. When a man does not feel respected, men tend to withdraw in silence or talk about their rights while women tend to become angry, silent, or defensive - or eat chocolate!

Seriously, listen to your partner with the intent of understanding their point of view and their need for respect. Soon, that mutual respect will only make your relationship even stronger.

I could write even more about this, but I need to run to the store. My wife wants chocolate . . . *sigh* . . . NOW! I don't have to understand it to buy it, but I do need to get moving...


Dear Jon: My boyfriend has a female friend that he used to date. They hang out together alone about once every few weeks but they don't invite me. What can I do?

Lilith, Texas


Lilith, listen to some country advice from Aunt Flora, "You can call a skunk a two tone kitty with fluid drive, but it's still a skunk!" Call this a "hang out" or whatever else you want to call it, it still stinks.

A few years ago I heard one television personality state, “An ex is an ex for a reason.” If I hear you right you are telling me your boyfriend “used to date” this female friend, but now they just hang out every now and then alone. What’s the difference between a date and hanging out? I honestly don’t know. They both sound the same to me. I could even imagine the guy adding, "Don’t you trust me?" This isn't a matter of trust. This is a question of wisdom.

I used to own an SUV, but I traded it in for another vehicle. It is an "ex" and I didn't keep an extra set of keys so I could take it out for a spin every now and then. Even if all I did was take it on an innocent ride to the grocery store or an "emergency run" to the pharmacy, I could still be charged with a felony.

George Strait sang "All my ex's live in Texas." He was somewhat relieved because he obviously was somewhere else! Unfortunately for you Lilith, it sounds like all your boyfriend's ex's still live not only in Texas, but just down the street! The best thing to do in a current relationship is to live as if all your ex's are fading memories in your history book of time. If your boyfriend still wants to spend time alone with his ex, then perhaps it's time for you to write a new chapter and leave him behind. This whole thing stinks - for a reason.




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