Relationships
Top Priority
By Jonathan DeBoard

Jenna has soccer practice at 5, piano at 7, and she needs to buy some supplies in town before leaving for the tournament tomorrow. Meanwhile, Michael wants $20 to go to Best Buy and purchase a CD he's had his eye on for some time, but first he needs to be picked up after football practice. Wedged into the evening activities will be a hurried dinner, homework, and quick conversations in a feeble attempt to keep order within the chaos.

The demands placed on families are tremendous these days. There seems to be competition on who can have the most talented, successful, and athletic child.  After all, even the media reminds us that it is "Children First." Therefore, parents find themselves sacrificially giving of themselves to help their children until they fall exhausted in a heap at the end of the day. And it seems the more they give of themselves, the more that chaos rears its ugly head. There is the hope that the demands and expectations made upon them as parents will eventually taper off, yet they only seem to increase. So the parents give even more time and energy, at first putting off time spent strengthening their marriage, then neglecting their marriage, until eventually they are too busy and exhausted to even care about their marriage relationship.  

I have noticed that many parenting problems are actually marriage problems in disguise. There are too many couples who over-invest in their children at the expense of their marriage. As a result, their children suffer.

The best way for parents to help their child is to first step back and get their marriage relationship right.  Couples need to stop trying to meet every one of their child's wants and start focusing on each others needs.  Parents need to feel comfortable telling their children, "I'm not going to play with you right now," or "I can't take you to the mall right now.  Instead, I'm going to spend thirty minutes with your mother because I love her and I want to be with her.  After that, we can be together."

Couples need to make their marriage the top priority.  The motivation can't be a desire to do what's best for the children. You need to work on your marriage because it's the right thing to do.  Your marriage is the foundation of your home and your family. Neglect your marriage, and chaos will certainly rear its hungry head.


Jonathan DeBoard holds a M.S. in Counseling Psychology with a Marriage and Family Counseling emphasis and is a state licensed counselor. He directed a center for Marriage and Family Therapy in Southern California and now serves as an independent consultant. Having contributed articles on Marriage and Family issues to newspapers across the United States, he now writes for a new genre of on-line magazines, including The Fabulous Woman™.

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