Top Priority
By Jonathan DeBoard
Jenna has soccer practice at 5, piano at 7, and she needs to buy some
supplies in town before leaving for the tournament tomorrow. Meanwhile,
Michael wants $20 to go to Best Buy and purchase a CD he's had his eye
on for some time, but first he needs to be picked up after football
practice. Wedged into the evening activities will be a hurried dinner,
homework, and quick conversations in a feeble attempt to keep order
within the chaos.
The demands placed on families are tremendous these days. There seems
to be competition on who can have the most talented, successful, and
athletic child. After all, even the media reminds us that it is
"Children First." Therefore, parents find themselves sacrificially
giving of themselves to help their children until they fall exhausted
in a heap at the end of the day. And it seems the more they give of
themselves, the more that chaos rears its ugly head. There is the hope
that the demands and expectations made upon them as parents will
eventually taper off, yet they only seem to increase. So the parents
give even more time and energy, at first putting off time spent
strengthening their marriage, then neglecting their marriage, until
eventually they are too busy and exhausted to even care about their
marriage relationship.
I have noticed that many parenting problems are actually marriage
problems in disguise. There are too many couples who over-invest in
their children at the expense of their marriage. As a result, their
children suffer.
The best way for parents to help their child is to first step back and
get their marriage relationship right. Couples need to stop trying to
meet every one of their child's wants and start focusing on each others
needs. Parents need to feel comfortable telling their children, "I'm
not going to play with you right now," or "I can't take you to the mall
right now. Instead, I'm going to spend thirty minutes with your mother
because I love her and I want to be with her. After that, we can be
together."
Couples need to make their marriage the top priority. The motivation
can't be a desire to do what's best for the children. You need to work
on your marriage because it's the right thing to do. Your marriage is
the foundation of your home and your family. Neglect your marriage, and
chaos will certainly rear its hungry head.
Jonathan DeBoard holds a
M.S. in Counseling Psychology with a Marriage and Family Counseling emphasis
and is a state licensed counselor. He directed a center for Marriage and Family
Therapy in Southern California and now serves as an independent consultant.
Having contributed articles on Marriage and Family issues to newspapers across
the United States, he now writes for a new genre of on-line magazines,
including The Fabulous Woman™.